moved to wordpress.

caseymcnair.wordpress.com

gonna come back here every now and again to lurk though!

the last week

has been so wack/awesome.
long weekend basically involved seeing my boyfriend every day, staying at his friday night, world vegan day on sunday and staying at his monday night.
also, my mum was in darwin, so i stayed at ebony's house for 2 nights, it ruled, her bathroom is classy as fuck.
thursday i went to dinner with andrew and a bunch of others at lentil as anything, then we hungout by the river near collingwood station for a while.
3 days of school sucked, but i realised that in less than 3 weeks, i will leave the school i'm at forever. really keen for swinburne next year.
a week and a half left until i start exams, cant wait to get it over with.
friday night involved latenight shopping with andrew and a really lazy night, i think i appreciate him more and more everyday, i've never been so happy to wake up next to someone.

I am

jealous of everyone who has something that they are good at, interested in, enjoy and can be passionate about.
i pretty much dislike and suck at everything.

this is the first day of my life.

I swear I was born right in the doorway.
I went out in the rain, suddenly everything changed.
they're spreading blankets on the beach.

yours is the first face that I saw, I think I was blind before I met you.
now I don’t know where I am, I don’t know where I’ve been, but I know where I want to go.

and so I thought I’d let you know, that these things take forever.
I especially am slow, but I realize that I need you, and I wondered if I could come home.

remember the time you drove all night, just to meet me in the morning.
and I thought it was strange you said everything changed,
you felt as if you'd just woke up, and you said “this is the first day of my life, I’m glad I didn’t die before I met you, but now I don’t care, I could go anywhere with you, and I’d probably be happy”

so if you want to be with me, with these things there’s no telling.
we just have to wait and see. but I’d rather be working for a pay check, than waiting to win the lottery.
besides maybe this time is different…
I mean I really think you like me.

this week

has been amazing.
Sunday was me and my boyfriends 1 month, we spent all day cuddling and watching Scrubs.
I went to school for the first time in over a month, i had forgotten just how tiring it can be.
Monday was Andrews birthday, I didn't get to see him unfortunately but that was okay.
Thursday i got to see Lachy for the first time since i was last at school, we did an amazing airport hug that no one saw.
That night we went to southland with my boyfriend and we blew the 6 month late birthday money i got off my grandpa.
Lachy and Andrew got along like a house on fire, I'm a little worried that they might elope.
Friday was Annas 16th, me and Steve made her a big silly birthday card in one of my double science lessons.
Today was Annas birthday lunch, and tonight is Andrews party.

At the moment.. life is really simple, which is something I've been wanting for such a long time. I'm happier than I've ever been and I'm completely whipped.

from now on

I refuse to let depression run my life.
This is my brain, my heart, and my body.
No festering disease will rule over me anymore.
I need to stand on my own 2 feet, for myself, my parents, my boyfriend and my friends.
I've found someone who inspires me every second of the day.
And no matter what, I know I'm better off than some of the people around me, it's selfish to wallow in this constant self misery.



ps. i love chills with joe and i am s0o0o0o0 cute ahahha

Paranoia in B Major.

I wish I knew all the words to say how I feel right now.
I'm lost, but, I don't even know what I'm looking for, where I'm meant to be, or who I am.
people from my past, refuse to stay in the past.

hazy.

It's not like I don't want to care.
I just cant.

I feel guilt every day of my life, for things I have no control over, yet I'm still told I'm a bad person, a bad friend.
3 months ago, I wouldn't have believed a word of it.
But now, I know it's the truth.


this is all i care about at the moment.

future wars.

Loads of shit has happened since the last post here, I’m in Townsville at the moment hanging out with my best friend listening to old nostalgic music.
I was right when i said the time here would rule, I’m really bummed out that i don’t get to see Hannah and Jordan though, but i suppose there’s nothing i can do to help that,
I cut heaps of my hair off and got heaps of new clothes, i love it here, no stress, no school.
I miss my boyfriend heaps, I’m waiting for him to finish work so i can call him, also wow Casey has a boyfriend who isn’t a complete headfuck, ahaha.
I really have nothing interesting to say.
My depression is basically dead at the moment, i haven’t felt this good for this long in a very very good time, if ever.

I miss a lot of people.
But, i guess things are better left unsaid.

landing feet first.

i am actually, legitimately happy for once, and i feel like i appreciate it so much more than other people do because i know it probably wont last.
if you are one of those people, who can wake up with a smile every day, never ever take it for granted because simple happiness is the most amazing feeling in the world.
queensland in 6 days.
i cant explain how excited i am.
i know the 12 days i spend there will probably be the best of my life.

dear world.

I'm actually, genuinely happy.
unusual.
I recently made contact with someone i had a falling out with a while ago, very glad.
queensland in 8 days, fuck.

haha, my phones falling apart so badly. can't wait for my plan to finish.



ps. andrewxvx is a pretty cool guy, he hates meat and doesn't afraid of anything.

collecting dust.

I'm writing this on Joe's laptop, sitting on his bed, and to be really honest I'm only writing it cause Harro said he got sick of lurking old stuff.
I've been really really up and down for the last few weeks, but i'm finally get back on track and i'm actually better than usual.
i fell out of liking someone and now we're just really good friends, definitely better off like this and really, while we were seeing eachother i felt like he was just my best friend before anything else.
theres also someone else i've got my eyes on but, we'll see what happens, i don't want to get ahead of myself.
school is shitty as per usual, but oh well, i have work experience next week and my job is to sit at a cash register and watch tv for most of the day, cant be too bad.
in only 18 days i will be in queensland, and i will be able to see my best friends, i miss shannon and hannah so much its not funny, i cant believe its been almost a whole year since i've seen them! and its been a year and a half since i've seen jordan, if not longer. i'm really so excited.

i pretty much just want to thank so many people for helping me through the last 3 weeks.
Shannon Courtney, Samantha Walton, Nicholas Revitt-Mills, Jordan Mcclelland, Joe Leoni, Tom Vandersluys, Harro Beatty, Massimo Velo, Andrew Moore, Liam McKenzie, and to an extent Daniel Crole, thankyou all so much cause it's been tough but no one ever gave up.

then again, maybe you were right.

I deleted all my really angsty blogs, ie. Almost all of them.
I don’t have anything to say really, I am happier than usual and I’m moving on from some things that have been weighing me down.
I really wish I had something interesting to say!
I might post photos of some drawings I’ve done next time I’m at my dads.


So, dear, no matter how we part, I hold you sweetly in my head.
And if I do not miss a part of you, a part of me is dead.
If I can't love you as a lover, I will love you as a friend.
And I will lay a bed before you; keep you safe until the end

shallow breathing.

I am so angsty hahaha oh lawd

fabric of the cosmos.

So I had a really important question asked of me tonight.
Are humans just sacks of science, chemicals, atoms and molecules?
Or is there… something else?
I’m not a religious person, at all, in fact I despise the idea of a higher being, so of course I don’t believe that GAWD MAED US SO WE CAN LUV.
But.. It doesn’t seem right, that we would only be a collection of chemical reactions and atoms. I mean, that would make us entities with ultimately, no free will.
But we have free will.
I mean, everything is made of atoms, molecules, electrons, all zipping around at amazingly high speeds around the nucleus and such. And eventually, this all makes the universe work.
So, are we just atoms?
With no free will?
Are our emotions only created from chemicals? Do chemicals cause us to feel love, hate, compassion, devotion, and complete and utter pain?
I mean, could chemicals really give me the feeling I get when I wake up next to… someone?
Or how much I love my father?
Or the complete and utter devotion I feel to my best friends?
Or how much it hurts when I think about people suffering when I cant help them?
Do we have a reason? A purpose? Or are we a series of accidents?
Our time is infinite. The universe is some 14 billion years old… we have no reason.
We live maybe 80 years, a tiny, tiny sum compared to the age of the universe.
This world has seen amazing stories of love, and terrifying wrongs.
We are NOTHING. And NOTHING we can do can or will ever change that.
We can't comprehend such a vast part of our existence and the never-ending loop in our existence.
The fact is, you die.
That’s it.
Forever.
So whats the point?
In anything?
I mean, think about all those times you’ve been so fucking upset that you thought you’d never stop crying, and you’d never leave your room again.
Think about how amazingly deep your emotions are, and then, think about it.
Whats the point in doing anything in your life that you just don’t want to do?
I mean, obviously you don’t hurt other people in doing so, that’s just simple moral conscience.
But why change yourself to please other people?
In the end, your own personal identity is all you have.
Just do what you want, take whatever substances you want, fuck whoever you want to fuck, make moments worthy of a cinema screen because in a few years you will be dead.
You may not like me for saying any of this.
I’m just a 16 year old girl, what can I know about the world?
Well fuck, probably nothing, I wont pretend to be anything than what I am;
Sick to death of being sick to death.
The point is, I cant see how we can just be nothing, emptiness, there has to be something else there that makes us feel the way we do.
Maybe there’s something in our being to make it impossible to figure this all out. No one has figured out the reason we’re actually here. So maybe there’s a lot we still have to learn.
I just think its bullshit that chemicals, simply chemicals, could create the effect of the feeling of contentment you get when you fall asleep in someone’s arms, the pain you get when someone leaves, the anger of some of the injustices that happen in this world, frustration, loneliness and need for someone there.
I don’t know what I’m getting at with this.

two day romance.

I found a purpose.

homesick.

Okay, so I have finally decided to write a blog about my trip to china last year, in November. Yes I am lazy.

Day 1.
5AM starts are actually the worst. As are delayed Melbourne to Sydney flights. And 10 and a half hour flights from Sydney to shanghai. After a ridiculously long flight from shanghai to Beijing we got to our hotel at 12:30 am chinese time (4:30 am Australian time.)




Day 2.
God, my memories so stretched. Its been a while. We went to Tian’anmen Square and lots of chinese people took photos of us. Then the forbidden city. And this one restaurant where the sinks were like chicks leaning over. It was a very ‘wat’ moment. And lots of chinese guys tried to sell us stuff, this was my first experience with hagglers so a guy pouncing on me going “YOU SO BEAUTIFUL PLS BUY MY BOOK” didn’t go down too well. Oh yeah and we went to this market that sold lots of fuct food.





Day 3.
Great wall, and our first experience with a proper market. We also went to the Olympic precinct.





Day 4.
Temple of heaven and the parkways were awesome. Chinese people are so cool.
Pearl Markets & a peking duck restaurant where everyone was celebrating Halloween.


Day 5.
We visited the summer palance and the hutongs (back streets of china), and took an overnight train ride to Xian.





Day 6.
We arrived in Xian, and as soon as we got to the hotel to dump our baggage we had to pack an overnight bag to go to Zhouzhi County to visit the Shaanxi Panda Centre.




Day 7.
Had the worst breakfast. Fermented tofu wtf. So glad I slept in and missed it.
Went to the Panda Center again, then went back to Xian to go to Muslim street which is a really traditional chinese market.


Day 8.
Terracotta warriors. These are such brief summaries.



Day 9.
We started our day in the park surrounding the Xian wall. We then took a 4 hour bus trip to Baoji to stay at the xinxing street kid centre.



Day 10.
Woke up at the street kid centre, went to a Taoist mountain retreat called the Longmendong Monastery.



Day 11.
This day was nuts. We went to a school in baoji and the kids pretty much mobbed us, majority of them had never even seen white people before, its was crazy and they kept asking us random questions. We then got sent home with chinese kids who could barely speak English for dinner. Crazy stuff.



Day 12.
Had a teary goodbye with the xinxing kids and took a train back to Xian. People rode around the xian wall but I couldn’t cause I cant ride a bike :D



Day 13.
Visited the big goose pagoda and took a plane to shanghai.




Day 14.
Took an underwater train, went up to the top of the tallest building in shanghai and went of a cruise ship at night.





Day 15.
We went to a town that was like the chinese version of venice and caught chinese trains





Day 16.
We went to our final market and some place with lots of chinese mannequins.



Day 17.
Home time!

damaged goods.

La Dispute say it better than I ever could.

she forced a smile, said, "boy, come kiss my mouth—i'll set you free. you know that hope you're holding to? it looks an awful lot like fear. now, you're so quick to fall on failure, and so quick to raise your voice, like, 'if i can't find a mistake to blame, we didn't have a choice.'
oh, but you had option.
i was your chance to feel complete, but when i leaned in close to you, you kissed your fear instead of me.
you had my hand in your hand,
you had my lip in your teeth,
you had my heart on your sleeve,
you had a chance to breathe.
but, boy, you wouldn't let your fear recede so i moved on.
and it's too late to change your mind now, you got scared, boy, and i got gone.
now you failed, and there's no way to turn back time.
you had your chance, boy, i tried."

But I just cant get over you.

the saddest day.

TEEN ANGST ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

heartache.

I am a self-piteous little shit.
Dug up a whole lot of old diarys and letters today, weirdest feeling to read through them all again.

everything has changed.

Today I experienced true contentment for the first time in my entire life.

first light.

i feel i should probably write an introduction or something but at the same time i wont know what to say, so it seems kind of useless.

i’ll probably just use this to gather my thoughts but that’s what everyone says,
actually, I’ll probably post once or twice and then forget to follow up.
i’m normally not very good on keeping “commitments” like this.
i can try though.