then again, maybe you were right.

I deleted all my really angsty blogs, ie. Almost all of them.
I don’t have anything to say really, I am happier than usual and I’m moving on from some things that have been weighing me down.
I really wish I had something interesting to say!
I might post photos of some drawings I’ve done next time I’m at my dads.


So, dear, no matter how we part, I hold you sweetly in my head.
And if I do not miss a part of you, a part of me is dead.
If I can't love you as a lover, I will love you as a friend.
And I will lay a bed before you; keep you safe until the end

shallow breathing.

I am so angsty hahaha oh lawd

fabric of the cosmos.

So I had a really important question asked of me tonight.
Are humans just sacks of science, chemicals, atoms and molecules?
Or is there… something else?
I’m not a religious person, at all, in fact I despise the idea of a higher being, so of course I don’t believe that GAWD MAED US SO WE CAN LUV.
But.. It doesn’t seem right, that we would only be a collection of chemical reactions and atoms. I mean, that would make us entities with ultimately, no free will.
But we have free will.
I mean, everything is made of atoms, molecules, electrons, all zipping around at amazingly high speeds around the nucleus and such. And eventually, this all makes the universe work.
So, are we just atoms?
With no free will?
Are our emotions only created from chemicals? Do chemicals cause us to feel love, hate, compassion, devotion, and complete and utter pain?
I mean, could chemicals really give me the feeling I get when I wake up next to… someone?
Or how much I love my father?
Or the complete and utter devotion I feel to my best friends?
Or how much it hurts when I think about people suffering when I cant help them?
Do we have a reason? A purpose? Or are we a series of accidents?
Our time is infinite. The universe is some 14 billion years old… we have no reason.
We live maybe 80 years, a tiny, tiny sum compared to the age of the universe.
This world has seen amazing stories of love, and terrifying wrongs.
We are NOTHING. And NOTHING we can do can or will ever change that.
We can't comprehend such a vast part of our existence and the never-ending loop in our existence.
The fact is, you die.
That’s it.
Forever.
So whats the point?
In anything?
I mean, think about all those times you’ve been so fucking upset that you thought you’d never stop crying, and you’d never leave your room again.
Think about how amazingly deep your emotions are, and then, think about it.
Whats the point in doing anything in your life that you just don’t want to do?
I mean, obviously you don’t hurt other people in doing so, that’s just simple moral conscience.
But why change yourself to please other people?
In the end, your own personal identity is all you have.
Just do what you want, take whatever substances you want, fuck whoever you want to fuck, make moments worthy of a cinema screen because in a few years you will be dead.
You may not like me for saying any of this.
I’m just a 16 year old girl, what can I know about the world?
Well fuck, probably nothing, I wont pretend to be anything than what I am;
Sick to death of being sick to death.
The point is, I cant see how we can just be nothing, emptiness, there has to be something else there that makes us feel the way we do.
Maybe there’s something in our being to make it impossible to figure this all out. No one has figured out the reason we’re actually here. So maybe there’s a lot we still have to learn.
I just think its bullshit that chemicals, simply chemicals, could create the effect of the feeling of contentment you get when you fall asleep in someone’s arms, the pain you get when someone leaves, the anger of some of the injustices that happen in this world, frustration, loneliness and need for someone there.
I don’t know what I’m getting at with this.

two day romance.

I found a purpose.

homesick.

Okay, so I have finally decided to write a blog about my trip to china last year, in November. Yes I am lazy.

Day 1.
5AM starts are actually the worst. As are delayed Melbourne to Sydney flights. And 10 and a half hour flights from Sydney to shanghai. After a ridiculously long flight from shanghai to Beijing we got to our hotel at 12:30 am chinese time (4:30 am Australian time.)




Day 2.
God, my memories so stretched. Its been a while. We went to Tian’anmen Square and lots of chinese people took photos of us. Then the forbidden city. And this one restaurant where the sinks were like chicks leaning over. It was a very ‘wat’ moment. And lots of chinese guys tried to sell us stuff, this was my first experience with hagglers so a guy pouncing on me going “YOU SO BEAUTIFUL PLS BUY MY BOOK” didn’t go down too well. Oh yeah and we went to this market that sold lots of fuct food.





Day 3.
Great wall, and our first experience with a proper market. We also went to the Olympic precinct.





Day 4.
Temple of heaven and the parkways were awesome. Chinese people are so cool.
Pearl Markets & a peking duck restaurant where everyone was celebrating Halloween.


Day 5.
We visited the summer palance and the hutongs (back streets of china), and took an overnight train ride to Xian.





Day 6.
We arrived in Xian, and as soon as we got to the hotel to dump our baggage we had to pack an overnight bag to go to Zhouzhi County to visit the Shaanxi Panda Centre.




Day 7.
Had the worst breakfast. Fermented tofu wtf. So glad I slept in and missed it.
Went to the Panda Center again, then went back to Xian to go to Muslim street which is a really traditional chinese market.


Day 8.
Terracotta warriors. These are such brief summaries.



Day 9.
We started our day in the park surrounding the Xian wall. We then took a 4 hour bus trip to Baoji to stay at the xinxing street kid centre.



Day 10.
Woke up at the street kid centre, went to a Taoist mountain retreat called the Longmendong Monastery.



Day 11.
This day was nuts. We went to a school in baoji and the kids pretty much mobbed us, majority of them had never even seen white people before, its was crazy and they kept asking us random questions. We then got sent home with chinese kids who could barely speak English for dinner. Crazy stuff.



Day 12.
Had a teary goodbye with the xinxing kids and took a train back to Xian. People rode around the xian wall but I couldn’t cause I cant ride a bike :D



Day 13.
Visited the big goose pagoda and took a plane to shanghai.




Day 14.
Took an underwater train, went up to the top of the tallest building in shanghai and went of a cruise ship at night.





Day 15.
We went to a town that was like the chinese version of venice and caught chinese trains





Day 16.
We went to our final market and some place with lots of chinese mannequins.



Day 17.
Home time!

damaged goods.

La Dispute say it better than I ever could.

she forced a smile, said, "boy, come kiss my mouth—i'll set you free. you know that hope you're holding to? it looks an awful lot like fear. now, you're so quick to fall on failure, and so quick to raise your voice, like, 'if i can't find a mistake to blame, we didn't have a choice.'
oh, but you had option.
i was your chance to feel complete, but when i leaned in close to you, you kissed your fear instead of me.
you had my hand in your hand,
you had my lip in your teeth,
you had my heart on your sleeve,
you had a chance to breathe.
but, boy, you wouldn't let your fear recede so i moved on.
and it's too late to change your mind now, you got scared, boy, and i got gone.
now you failed, and there's no way to turn back time.
you had your chance, boy, i tried."

But I just cant get over you.

the saddest day.

TEEN ANGST ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

heartache.

I am a self-piteous little shit.
Dug up a whole lot of old diarys and letters today, weirdest feeling to read through them all again.

everything has changed.

Today I experienced true contentment for the first time in my entire life.